The M275

Sitting on the side of a motorway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Policeman noticed a car going along at 27 MPH.

The policeman thought that the driver was just as dangerous as a someone who was speeding. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over.

When he got to the car he noticed that there were five elderly ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, said to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Madam," the policeman replied, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty Seven miles an hour!" the woman said a bit proudly.

The Officer tried not to smile and explained to her that "27" was the motorway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem a bit shaken and they haven't said a single peep this whole time."

"Oh, don’t worry officer, they'll be alright in a minute. We just got off the M275."

The Bishop and the boy

A bishop was coming to stay at a rector's house for the night. The rector's eight year old son who was excited about the important guest, asked his father if he could take the bishop his tea in the morning. The rector agreed but told his son that he must knock on the door and say, "It's the boy, my lord. It is time to get up."

On his way upstairs the nervous boy was clutching the cup and saucer and practising his words. He knocked on the door and the bishop asked, "Who is it?"

The boy replied at the top of his voice, "It's the Lord, my boy. Your time is up!"

A duck hunter

A duck hunter took his new hunting retriever out on its first hunt. Soon he shot a duck that fell into the lake. The dog walked over the water picked up the duck and brought it back to his master.

The hunter was flabbergasted! He shot another duck. Once again, while he rubbed his eyes in disbelief, the dog walked over the water and retrieved the duck.

Hardly daring to believe what he had seen he asked his neighbour to go hunting with him the next day. Once again each time he or his neighbour shot a duck, the dog would walk out and bring the bird in.

The man said nothing and neither did his neighbour. Finally he could contain himself no longer and he blurted out, "did you notice anything strange about that dog"
The neighbour scratched his head and finally said, 'Come to think of it I did, The son of a gun can't swim."

Swimming across the pool

There was a wealthy Texas rancher that loved to entertain at his ranch house. He had a huge pool in the back where he kept a shark. At his parties he would challenge his guests to jump in a swim the length of the pool without getting mauled by the shark. Whoever could do it would have 1) half his estate, or 2) 10 million dollars, or 3) his daughter’s hand in marriage.

So, one party he was having he offered this same challenge. He had barely finished explaining the options when there was a big splash. They look at the pool and there is a man swimming like mad to the other side. He just makes it and climbs out before the shark would have had him. He’s standing there dripping wet and breathing like there is no tomorrow.

The rancher is so impressed that someone has finally attempted his challenge! He goes to the man and says “Wow! No one has ever tried… that was very impressive. So, what would you like? Half my estate?” The man, still trying to catch his breath, says “No.” The rancher says, “So, you want ten million dollars?” Again, the man says “No.” “Ah,” the rancher says, “you want my daughter’s hand in marriage!”… the man again says “No.” Well, now the rancher is really stumped… “What do you want?”

The man, finally able to breathe, says “I would just like to know the name of the person who pushed me in!”

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path.
Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
It was then that bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying,
"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke,
"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful."