The March Of The Unqualified

God can't use me or at least shouldn't use me. We've probably all thought it at some point. However, studying the Bible shows us that many flawed people were used by God in powerful ways. They were just as unqualified as you. So now what's your excuse?

Adapted from the writings of Matt Tullos.

From Ignitermedia a high quality edition of this is on their website at www.ignitermedia.com

What if our Bible was as important as our Mobile Phone?

Ever wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible like we treat our mobile phone?        

• What if we carried it around in our pockets or purses?
• What if we flipped through it several times a day?
• What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it?
• What if we used it to receive messages from the text?
• What if we treated it like we couldn't live without it?
• What if we gave it to kids as gifts?
• What if we used it when we traveled?
• What if we used it in case of emergency?

This is something to make you go ... Hmmmmm ... where is my Bible?

Oh, and one more thing ... unlike our mobile phone, we don't have to worry about our Bible being disconnected because Jesus already paid the bill.

Makes you stop and think 'where are my priorities'?

Mixed up Bible history

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,' but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. I'm not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a ham. Noah built a large boat, and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then He gave them His top ten Commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's bottom (the Bible uses a bad word for bottom that I'm not supposed to say, but my Dad uses it sometimes when he talks about the President). Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor they father and they mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was!')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands, instead.

Anyway, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven, but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

Quoted from: www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi

The Bible in 50 Words

God made,
Adam bit,
Noah arked,
Abraham split,
Joseph ruled,
Jacob fooled,
bush talked,
Moses balked,
Pharaoh plagued,
people walked,
sea divided,
tablets guided,
promise landed,
Saul freaked,
David peeked,
prophets warned,
Jesus born,
God walked,
love talked,
anger crucified,
hope died,
Love rose,
Spirit flamed,
Word spread,
God remained.

The bible in 2 mins

1st off,
nothing... but God
2nd off,
God
starts it all up and
WHAP!
Stuff everywhere.
The snake does some word twising
Adam and eve fall for it
God
kicks them out of heaven on earth
death strolls in
They make babies
But the evil/good ratio goes through the roof
God
turns the flood taps on
"waterworld!"
Only noah's family and the animals survive
to see the rainbow
"Never again" quote God
More babies
Then Abraham -
The 1st jew
And his boys
Isaac,Jacob and Joseph
400 years on
the Jews are a nation
but just slave labour for Pharoah
Then God waves them out of Egypt through the red sea into the desert via 10 plagues
Moses downloads the contract -
the big ten rules
The Jews break them all
Grumbling round the desert
for 40 years
once Joshua gets them into a land with milk and honey on draught
king David sorts out the giant goliath between recording his greatest hits compilation
Solomon comes out with some wise one-liners
Then naff king after naff king
Messing up the people
Elijah and the other couriers can't stop the rot
So God lets the Babylon army
Trash Jerusalem
And the Jews are carted off
As slave labour
Again
Daniel gets to sleep
with the lions
Isaiah predicts a liberator
Esther stops a holocause attempt
and, 70 years on,
the jews trek back to do construction work in Jerusalem
But no shift in attitude:
More idol promises
wind God up.
So he stops
talking to them for 400 years.
Dot
Dot
Dot
Enter Jesus the Liberator
- good with hammers and nails
but he takes a career change at 30
and kicks off a 3 year
"heaven on earth" tour
with his mobile miracle clinic
and loads of stories
and questions
His team 12 love it
The public love it
The religious suits don't!
Dodgy trial
Punishment beatings
Public execution
-more hammers and nails
2 days later he's back
having sorted out death
He's launching the
Jesus Liberation movement
Via Paul Benson
His foreign rep.
Who's sending out loads of emails
Updating people on what it means that
Jesus came back to do
The sequel:
'With God in us
We can bring heaven on earth
Bit By Bit'
All ending up with Jonno's general memo
On how things are going to get
Wrapped up:
The snake gets bbQd
The Jesus liberation movement get limitless life
Heaven on earth
Absolutely!

The bible in 2 mins - Rob Lacey

Center of the Bible

What is the shortest chapter in the Bible? (Answer - Psalms 117)

What is the longest chapter in the Bible? (Answer - Psalms 119)

Which chapter is in the center of the Bible (Answer - Psalms 118)

Fact: There are 594 chapters before Psalms 118

Fact: There are 594 chapters after Psalms 118

Add these numbers up and you get 1188

What is the center verse in the Bible? (Answer - Psalms 118:8)

Psalms 118:8 (NKJV) "It is better to trust in the LORD than to put
confidence in man."

Quoted from funny(at)net153.com Submitted by Debbie T.

Basic Information Before Leaving Earth

A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay," said his father. "So, Son, what does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"

B - BASIC

I - INSTRUCTIONS

B - BEFORE

L - LEAVING

E- EARTH

Quoted from net153.com Email list

Mahatma Gandhi

Mahatma Gandhi spoke forcefully to Christians when he said, "You Christians have in your keeping a document with enough dynamite in it to blow the whole of civilization to bits, to turn society upside down, to bring peace to this war-torn world. But you read it as if it were just good literature, and nothing else."

Truth Decay

Help fight truth decay....read your Bible today!

Defend The Bible!

"Defend the Bible? I would as soon defend a lion! Unchain it and it will defend itself!"
C.H. Spurgeon

How to get to heaven

The Bible was given to us to tell us how we can get to heaven, not to tell us how the heavens work.

Living Creature

"The Bible is no mere book, but a living creature, with a power that conquers all that oppose it."
Napoleon Bonaparte

The Best Book

"The new Testament is the very best book that ever was or will be known in the world."
Charles Dickens

God's promises

"O man, I beseech you, do not treat God's promises as if they were curiosities for a museum; but believe them and the use them."
C.H. Spurgeon

Translating The Bible

"I felt rather like a electrician re-wiring an ancient house without being able to turn of the mains."
J.B. Phillips writing about his experience when translating the new Testament.

Passages That Trouble

"Most people are troubled by those passages of Scripture which they cannot understand; but as for me, I have always noticed that the passages in Scripture which trouble me most are those which I do understand."
Mark Twain

What if God took the Bible away?

One morning in the 1620s, in a little village church, a preacher named John Rogers was preaching on the subject of the Bible in the Christian's life. He allowed himself some pulpit dramatics. First, he acted the part of God telling the congregation: "Well, I have trusted you so long with my Bible; you have slighted it; it lies in such and such houses all covered with dust andcobwebs; you care not to listen to it. Do you use my Bible so? Then you shall have my Bible no longer". And he took the pulpit Bible away.

Then he knelt down and impersonated the people crying to God: "Lord, whatever thou dost to us, take not thy Bible from us; kill our children, burn our houses; destroy our goods but spare us thy Bible."

Then he acted God again: "Say you so? Well, I will try you a while longer; and here is my Bible for you" (replacing it); "I will see how you will use it, whether you will love it more, observe it more, practice it more, live more according to it."

At this the whole congregation dissolved in tears. What had happened? Rogers, under God, had touched a nerve, reminding them of their need to pay close attention to the Bible because reverence for God meant reverence for Scripture and serving God meant obeying Scripture.

Do we need to recapture some of the same attitude today? Surely disregarding the Bible is the greatest possible insult to its divine author.

Your Father Loves You by James Packer, Harold Shaw Publishers, 1986, Page April 24

Quoting the Bible indiscriminately

You can't quote the Bible indiscriminately. I remember the story of two lawyers during a trial. One thought he would make a great impression on the jury by quoting from the Bible. So he said concerning his opponent's client, "We have it on the highest authority that it has been said, 'All that a man has will he give for his skin.'" But the other lawyer knew the Bible better. He said, "I am very much impressed by the fact that my distinguished colleague here regards as the highest authority the one who said,'All that a man has will he give for his skin.' You will find that this saying come from the Book of Job, and the one who utters it is the devil. And that is whom he regards as the highest authority!"

Ray Stedman

Mutiny on the Bounty

One of the most dramatic examples of the Bible's divine ability to transform men and women involved the famous mutiny on the "Bounty." Following their rebellion against the notorious Captain Bligh, nine mutineers, along with the Tahatian men and women who accompanied them, found their way to Pitcairn Island, a tiny dot in the South Pacific only tow miles long and a mile wide. Ten years later, drink and fighting had left only one man alive--John Adans. Eleven women and 23 children made up the rest of the Island's population. So far this is the familiar story made famous in the book and motion picture. But the rest of the story is even more remarkable. About this time, Adams came across the "Bounty's" Bible in the bottom of an old chest. He began to read it, and the divine power of God'w Word reached into the heart of that hardened murderer on a tiny volcanic speck in the vast Pacific Ocean--and changed his life forever. The peace and love that Adams found in the Bible entirely replaced the old life of quarreling, brawling, and liquor. He began to teach the children from the Bible until every person on the island had experienced the same amazing change that he had found. Today, with a population of slightly less than 100, nearly every person on Pitcairn Island is a Christian.

From Signs of the Times, August, 1988, p. 5.

Braille Bible

A man in Kansas City was severely injured in an explosion. Evangelist Robert L. Sumner tells about him in his book THE WONDERS OF THE WORD OF GOD. The victim's face was badly disfigured, and he lost his eyesight as well as both hands. He was just a new Christian, and one of his greatest disappointments was that he could no longer read the Bible. Then he heard about a lady in England who read braille with her lips. Hoping to do the same, he sent for some books of the Bible in braille. Much to his dismay, however, he discovered that the nerve endings in his lips had been destroyed by the explosion. One day, as he brought one of the braille pages to his lips, his tongue happened to touch a few of the raised characters and he could feel them. Like a flash he thought, I can read the Bible using my tongue. At the time Robert Sumner wrote his book, the man had "read" through the entire Bible four times.

Diocletian

In the year A.D. 303, the roman Emperor Diocletian issued a decree which he hoped would extinguish the spreading flames of Christianity. One of his primary objectives was the seizure and destruction of the Christian Scriptures. Later that year, officials enforced the decree in North Africa. One of the targets was Felix, Bishop of Tibjuca, a village near Carthage. The mayor of the town ordered Felix to hand over his Scriptures. Though some judges were willing to accept scraps of parchment, Felix refused to surrender the Word of God at the insistence of mere men. Resolutely, he resisted compromise. Roman authorities finally shipped Felix to Italy where he paid for his stubbornness with his life. On August 30, as the record puts it, "with pious obstinacy," he laid down his life rather than surrender his Gospels.

Christian Theology in Plain Language, p. 41.

David Livingstone

It is said that when the famous missionary, Dr. David Livingstone, started his trek across Africa he had 73 books in 3 packs, weighing 180 pounds. After the party had gone 300 miles, Livingstone was obliged to throw away some of the books because of the fatigue of those carrying his baggage. As he continued on his journey his library grew less and less, until he had but one book left--his Bible.

Today in the Word, April, 1989, p. 28

Beheaded for the Bible

In 1915, A Russian Armenian was reading his Bible when he was beheaded. I saw the Bible--large, thick, and well used. Inside was a reddish stain that permeated most of the book. The stain was the blood of this man, one of more than a million casualties of a religious and ethnic holocaust. About 70 years later a large shipment of bibles entered Romania from the West, and Ceausescu's (dictator of Romania) lieutenants confiscated them, shredded them, and turned them into pulp. Then they had the pulp reconstituted into toilet paper and sold to the West.

Robert A Seiple, president, World Vision, June-July, 1990

Bibles & Bookcases

A Bible in the hand is worth two in the bookcase.

Contradiction

Men do not reject the Bible because it contradicts itself, but because it contradicts them.

Best Selling Book

' Forget the modern British novelists and TV tie-ins; the Bible is the biggest selling book every year'.

The times

Best Seller

' As usual the top seller by several miles was the Bible. If cumulative sales of the Bible were frankly reflected in the best seller lists, it would be a rare a week when anything else would achieve a look in the. It is wonderful, weird, or just plain baffling in this increasingly godless age -- when the range of books available grows wider with each passing a year -- that this one book should go on selling hand over fist, month in, month out. It is estimated that nearly 1,250,000 Bibles and Testament is are sold in the UK each year.'

The Times

High Explosive

'The Bible is a high explosive. But it works in strange ways and no living man can tell all know how that book, in its journey through the world, has startled the individual soul in 10,000 different places into a new life, a New World, a new belief, a new conception, a new faith.'

Stanley Baldwin May 1928

God's Rule Book

The Bible is God's rule book. It tells us what is' in' and what is' out'. He tells us what we can do and what we must not to. In even we play it within the rules there is freedom and Joy. When we break the rules, people get hurt. God did not say,' do not murder,' in order to ruin our enjoyment of life. He did not say,' do not commit adultery,' because he is a spoil sport. He did not want people to get hurt. When people leave their wives or husbands and children to commit adultery, lives get messed up.

Nicky Gumble - Questions of Life - P8

Proper Understanding

"Proper understanding of the Scriptures comes only through the Holy Spirit."

Martin Luther

Dusty Bibles

"The Devil is not afraid of the Bible that has dust on it"

Hallelujah! God is great

A boy was sitting on a park bench with one hand resting on an open Bible. He was loudly exclaiming his praise to God. "Hallelujah! Hallelujah! God is great!" he yelled without worrying whether anyone heard him or not.

Shortly after, along came a man who had recently completed some studies at a local university. Feeling himself very enlightened in the ways of truth and very eager to show this enlightenment, he asked the boy about the source of his joy.

"Hey" asked the boy in return with a bright laugh, "Don't you have any idea what God is able to do? I just read that God opened up the waves of the Red Sea and led the whole nation of Israel right through the middle."

The enlightened man laughed lightly, sat down next to the boy and began to try to open his eyes to the "realities" of the miracles of the Bible. "That can all be very easily explained. Modern scholarship has shown that the Red Sea in that area was only 10-inches deep at that time. It was no problem for the Israelites to wade across."

The boy was stumped. His eyes wandered from the man back to the Bible laying open in his lap. The man, content that he had enlightened a poor, naive young person to the finer points of scientific insight, turned to go. Scarcely had he taken two steps when the boy began to rejoice and praise louder than before. The man turned to ask the reason for this resumed jubilation.

"Wow!" exclaimed the boy happily, "God is greater than I thought! Not only did He lead the whole nation of Israel through the Red Sea, He topped it off by drowning the whole Egyptian army in 10 inches of water!"

I Believe

A video from Igniter Media www.ignitermedia.com

The Bible is not just a story. It is THE Story. It is OUR Story. In it, we find the greatest Hero providing the greatest hope and demanding the greatest response. Original Recording by Cary Pierce. Lyrics by Wes King and Rich Mullins.

Is the Bible True

Different people are asked about the Bible. Is it true? Do your read it? Is it relevant?

The Greatest Promise

This video develops the best known verse in the Bible - John 3:16 -  in a wonderful way. THe only downside for the UK is the introductory frames which are of Americal Football, but still useable here.

The Bible Contains

This is a video from Igniter Media www.ignitermedia.com

The Bible is an essential tool in the Christian faith. It is here that we read about what God has done, is doing, and will do. It is here that we find the greatest love story, the greatest sacrifice, and the greatest call to action.